JOE ROGAN
interview by darby o'gill

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS A TOP SECRET CONVERSATION ABOUT QUAKE, JERRI FROM SURVIVOR, AND CONSPIRACY THEORIES. IT IS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN COMEDIAN JOE ROGAN AND TASTES LIKE CHICKEN STAFFER DARBY O'GILL THOUGH THE LOCATION OF THIS DISCUSSION STILL REMAINS A MYSTERY, WE DO KNOW SOME VERY SERIOUS CHINESE FOOD WAS INVOLVED. OR WAS IT?

darby: Word through the grapevine is that you and Jerri from Survivor used to be an item. Is that true?

Joe: Itís true. We used to date.

d: Was she really a bitch?

J: No. She's a good kid. They just edited her to make her look like a cunt.

d: Did you think she would get voted off the island sooner?

J: I didnít even know she was on the show. Youíre not allowed to tell anybody youíre going. Sheís not allowed to tell anybody anything about the show either, so I never knew if she was going to get kicked off the first week or what. I donít think sheíll win though. Too many people hate her.

d: You never know. They really hated the guy from the first one (Richard Hatch) and he made it to the end.

J: I donít think he was as hated as her. But itís good for her. She can get a soap opera role or something.

d: Thatís all that show really is. Itís just a springboard for people that want to be famous.

J: You know, sheís really the only one thatís being honest. Everyone else is acting like the cameras are rolling, so they donít want to be mean. You have to realize how they do that show. They put a bunch of people who donít know each other into a tent, and they starve them. You tend to get a little bitchy when shit like that happens.

d: Do dogs have lips?

J: Yes. Absolutely. You know how I know that?

d: How?

J: Because when you have pit bulls, sometimes they go crazy and bite shit. They get whatís called lipped. Thatís when their teeth go through their lips. And you have to get it out, and the way to get it out is with a pencil.

d: Do you play Quake?

J: Oh yeah, man.

d: Where do you go when you get online to play? Where can our readers go to take on Joe Rogan?

J: Iím actually going to put a Quake server back up because Itís been down for awhile. But if you go to my website Iím going to advertise a Quake server next time I put it back up. My Quake game is Primate.

d: Didnít you get to play against the programmers of the game?

J: Oh, I kicked their asses. I went back with my Quake clan and played against the eight guys that did the software and fuckiní smacked them around. It was really funny. We tortured this motherfucker at his game. The guys I play with are hardcore psychos.

d: Youíre currently doing a test of will power on your website, where you were not going to spank it for a whole month.

J: Yeah, my ďno jerk-offĒ thing. Iím on day seven now. Iím very proud of myself. Itís only a minor test. Iím still allowed to fuck. I would never go 30 days without sex, but I do believe I can go 30 days without whacking off. Weíll see.

d: You also have a new show starting in June.

J: Yeah. Fear Factor.

d: What are some of the things we can look forward to seeing on Fear Factor?

J: A bunch of fuckiní idiots doing ridiculous shit; people who want their 15-minutes and are willing to do anything to get it.

d: You put out a comedy CD last year. Was the feedback positive?

J: It did pretty good. It takes a long time to build word of mouth. Howard Stern helped a lot. But you know what hurt it was Napster. Comedy albums are even worse on Napster because CD quality doesnít mean shit with comedy. Itís actually so bad that somebody sent me one of my own bits from Napster in an email. This dude was like, ďYou have to hear this.Ē I was like, ďFuckhead, thatís me!Ē

[THE WAITRESS CHECKS IN]

Waitress: You guys doing okay?

J: Yeah. How are you doing?

W: Iím doing great! What are you guys doing out so late?

J: We were working at the Funny Bone.

W: Oh, you guys work over there?

J: No, weíre comedians. Weíre in town to do some shows.

W: So you guys do a lot of traveling and stuff?

J: Traveling and stuff.

W: Are you going to copy everything I say?

J: Not everything.

W: Where are you guys from?

J: LA. But Iím originally from New Jersey.

d: Connecticut.

J: What about you?

W: Iím born and raised here.

J: I feel for yaí, baby.

W: Why would you say that?

J: Have you ever lived anywhere else?

W: No.

J: So, youíre going to get married and raise kids here in Columbus?

W: Yeah. I want to have a big family.

J: I bet you do. How many kids do you want to have?

W: I donít know. Let me get you guys another round.

J: You going to put roofies in my drink?

W: Yeah.

[WAITRESS LEAVES TO GET DRINKS]

J: Dude, that chick would get pregnant if you came in her hair. ďI just want to have babies.Ē Nothing scares me more than that. If Iím ever on a date with a chick and she says that, I just fuckiní flee. "Oh, you want to have kids. What a great idea! There arenít already way too many fuckiní people on the planet." Fuckiní over-population. Thatís one of the things this creepy book Iíve been reading, Behold a Pale Horse, talks about. Itís this conspiracy book written by this guy who was the head of the U.S. Naval Intelligence. Itís all about the various steps the government is taking because overpopulation is one of the biggest threats of human nature. He claims they developed AIDS in a laboratory and all this shit.

d: Youíre into the whole conspiracy theory scene?

J: Well, I read everything. But I donít believe everything. Just the fact that shit still happens. And the moon stuff.

d: The moon?

J: Yeah.

d: Itís bogus?

J: Itís totally fake. Sounds crazy, right?

d: It does.

J: I saw this DVD called A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Moon. Iím like, "This is stupid. Of course we went to the moon." The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone. So I get this DVD, totally expecting it to be fuckiní stupid. But it keeps making all these points discrediting the moon landing. One of them is the points of light on the moon when they took the photographs. The light source is coming from all these different angles and the shadows are going different angles. Not only that, but it also shows hot spots, like where a lamp would have lit the scene. Second of all, thereís no crater underneath a 10,000-pound moon pod-- whatís it called?

d: LEM. The Lunar Excursion Module.

J: Right, thank you. Thereís no crater. That was one of their biggest concerns with landing on the moon. They thought the LEM landing would be so powerful and create such a large crater that the astronauts wouldnít be able to get out of it. Look at the actual moon landing. The LEM is just sitting there on the moon surface with no crater at all. Yet, every time these guys walked, they left dusty foot prints.

d: Thatís crazy.

J: It gets even creepier than that. There are two radiation belts around the earth: the Van Allen Belts. Other than those Apollo landings, weíve never passed through them. All those fuckiní space shuttles, they just go around the surface of Earthís orbit. Same thing with satellites and space stations. They just stay in Earthís orbit. No one ever got past the Van Allen Belts. They say we canít do it. They say itís physically impossible because of the amount of radiation you would get.

d: So how did they do broadcasts?

J: They show that, too. It shows how they faked the distance between the Earth and the pod. They have them recorded saying, ďWe just want to coordinate what theyíre saying, so we can coordinate it when it comes to playback.Ē So theyíre saying right there and then that itís not live. They blacked out all the lights in the pod, and thereís a circle window at the end of the pod. They put the camera in the back of the pod. And the darkness of the pod, because all the lights were blacked out, simulated space. Thatís why there are no stars of any kind in those videos. Here we are in the middle of space and there are no stars in the windows. All we see is this tiny image of the moon. They even show raw footage, where people are walking in front of the camera. And all three astronauts retired shortly afterwards. And the head of NASA retired days before the launch. Days before the biggest accomplishment of his entire career! And there were no interviews, either.

d: Thatís crazy. Does it ever strike you as odd that we come up with new technology so fast sometimes? How computers and the Internet have changed and evolved in such little time?

J: Well, I believe what happened at Roswell, New Mexico played a hand in that. Thereís no way a fuckiní general would put it in the paper. ďWeíve recovered a crashed UFO!Ē They say it was a weather balloon. If it was a weather balloon, why would the President fly the wreckage in two separate airplanes from New Mexico to Wright Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio? They did it because they were afraid one of the planes might crash and the wreckage would show. People have seen things, man. I have a buddy of mine that was in the Air Force, and he saw a UFO when he was a kid. He took pictures of it and called the people at Project Blue Book. They came to his house and listened to his report. He gave them the pictures. They said they needed the camera to make sure it wasnít faulty, and the negatives to make sure they werenít fucked with. He gave them all that stuff and they said they would get back to him in a week. Three weeks later he gives them a call, and they say they never heard of those agents before; they never heard of his case, and that if he wanted to file a complaint he was more than welcome to, but they had no record of any of it. So I know people who have seen shit.

[WAITRESS COMES BACK WITH THE CHECK]

W: Here you go. Fortune cookies for you. And the bill.

d: Thank you.

J: Whatís your name?

W: Lori.

J: Nice to meet you, Lori. Iím Joe and this is darby.

W: darby?

J: And Joe. Iím Joe.

W: Joe or Jeff?

J: Joe! Are you retarded?

W: What?

J: What?

W: Who?

J: What?

W: Where?

J: Nothing.

W: Have a good night, guys.

[WAITRESS LEAVES AS FORTUNE COOKIES ARE BEING OPENED]

J: Ah. (reading his fortune) "Your wisdom has kept you away from dangers." Iím a wise motherfucker, dude. Step off. What did you get, darby?

d: ďNever be dumb. Eat smart.Ē

J: Meanwhile, you ate here.

WANT MORE JOE? VISIT HIM AT JOEROGAN.NET