PATTON OSWALT
Interview by Bethany Shady

COMEDIAN PATTON OSWALT HAS TAKEN OVER THE STAGE, TELEVISION, AND FILM. HEíS A TRIPLE THREAT, BITCHES! SO WATCH OUT, BECAUSE HEíS COMING FOR YOUR ASS IN THIS INTERVIEW. INSTEAD OF JUST PROMOTING HIS NEW COMEDY CD, FEELIN' KINDA PATTON, OR HIS COMEDY CENTRAL SPECIAL, NO REASON TO COMPLAIN, PATTON ANSWERS QUESTIONS ON TOPICS THAT HIS FANS CRAVE TO KNOW ABOUT: COMIC BOOKS, SIR MIX-A-LOT, AND GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY.

Bethany Shady: You had a birthday last week. Did you get anything good? Any porn?

Patton Oswalt: No porn this year. I got some terrific Richard Stark [author] first editions, two amazing bottles of wine, a trade paperback called Shimura that had slipped off my radar, and a collection of film noir poster art. I also got some Phil Collins refrigerator magnets. Oh, and a lot of gift certificates for comic book stores and Burke Williams [spa], which are no-brainers if youíre ever shopping for me.

BS: Your comedy often has an anti-Bush/Republican tone, while also making fun of midgets, gay rednecks, and drunkards. Do you hold fear that one day the government might have you secretly assassinated by gay rednecks shooting drunken midgets at you?

PO: Secretly? Iíd want it public and loud. Make me immortal.

BS: Speaking of the government, are government conspiracies and cover-ups-- especially things that have gone on within the Bush administration-- things that interest you?

PO: I donít see any cover-up. The Bush administration copped to the fact, but weíre so busy staring at Paris Hiltonís flea-and-hermit-crab-covered twat that they can pretty much turn back the public policy clock in America to 1900. Anyone says "boo", and they just turn up the Toby Keith music until no one can think straight.

BS: How has the public received your Comedy Central special?

PO: With gratitude. No, wait... that was the pan of brownies I made. Let me get back to you on that.

BS: Do you prefer stand-up comedy to doing television and movies, since it is more instantly gratifying? (With stand-up, your female fans immediately drool over you as soon as you get off the stage, as opposed to watching you on The King Of Queens and searching for your address online to stalk you.)

PO: Stand-up comedy is the most fun, but acting is the most rewarding, if you know what I mean. Also, if theyíve expended energy on a search, theyíre more likely to up my value in their estimation. I call the shots from that point on.

BS: Have you ever been stalked by a fan?

PO: Yes.

BS: How long did you live in San Francisco?

PO: Three years.

BS: Would you ever move back there, even though it breeds hippies? I ask because you seem to have an aversion to hippie culture.

PO: You can avoid hippies if youíre rich.

BS: On one of the tracks off Feelin' Kinda Patton, you mention a unique experience you had with a man when he shaved his balls in front of you. I had a similar experience in the womenís locker room at a 24 Hour Fitness, as I watched a woman shave her poon as she sat bare-assed on the sink counter in front of everyone. Why do you think in our society itís a sexy thing to watch a woman shave her labia, but repulsive to see a man shave his taint?

PO: Because when you shave a labia, you reveal the Vale of Tiny Emperors. A shaved taint just brings the Hollow of Howling Hoboes to light. Keep it hairy, guys. For the children.

BS: Are you working on any projects of your own besides stand-up? Any scripts or books? Do you think that you might have a romance novel somewhere inside you?

PO: Iím finishing up two scripts: a science fiction film and a horror film; a zombie film. Every twerp and outcast has a dystopian future action flick and a zombie movie in them. Iím exorcising them from my tissues. I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes.

BS: I know that you happen to be a big comic book fan. If Y: The Last Man were your reality, and you were Yorick, the last man on Earth with a bunch of chicks, who would you procreate with first, second, and then third?

PO: Nadine Jansen first, Scarlett Johansson second, and the winner of a death battle between Christy Hartburg in her 1974 prime, and Cynthia Ettinger from Carnivŗle.

BS: Why these people?

PO: Boobies!

BS: When Sir Mix-A-Lot said, "My anaconda donít want none unless you got buns, hon," just what do you think he meant by "my anaconda"? Wasnít it Ice Cube that was in Anaconda? Iím confused.

PO: Sir Mix-A-Lot literally had a pet anaconda. One of Mixís big turn-ons was to have sexy women feed it baked goods. The snake preferred hot buns, so he was trying to send out a clear musical message: "Please bring delicious, bakery-fresh buns for my large pet reptile to eat... while I jack off."

BS: At one point on your CD you mention that you wish you had the power to emit mace from your fingertips to ward off crackheads in your old neighborhood. Is that the only super-power you wish you had?

PO: I also wish I had the power to turn Cheetos into abdominal muscles and penis girth.

BS: Do dogs have lips?

PO: If they donít, why do I go through two tubes a week of Savannahís Surrender on Mr. Scampers?