interview by darby o'gill

This month I got to sit down with comedian Robert Schimmel and his girlfriend Melissa, who couldn't help but correct Robert's answers.

darby: What's next for Robert Schimmel?

Robert: A one-man show.

d: Read the book or see the movie?

R: It all depends on what movie or book it is. Would I want to read the book for Collateral Damage? No!

d: I didn't even want to see the movie. The Muppet Show or Sesame Street?

R: Sesame Street.

Melissa: I can't believe you picked Sesame Street.

R: Why?

M: I was trying to mentally tell you to pick the Muppets, because that was my favorite.

R: He's not interviewing you.

d: Why Sesame Street?

R: Sesame Street had the Dracula guy on it.

M: But the Muppets have the chef that you can't understand. That was great.

R: Okay. When he interviews you, you can pick that.

d: Cats or dogs?

R: Dogs. I'm allergic to cats.

d: Do dogs have lips?

R: Yes.

M: They do?

R: Well, it's not just gums; otherwise it would just be teeth showing.

M: But dogs don't have lips like,..I mean, these are lips. (pointing to her lips)

R: Those are human lips.

M: Well, yeah. But dogs don't have lips like that. It's just--

R: Okay! What am I, a fucking zoologist?

d: George Burns or Montgomery Burns?

R: George Burns.

d: Are you the Gatekeeper?

R: I don't know what that means.

M: That's because you're not the Gatekeeper. That's why you don't know what that means.

R: Who would want to keep a gate?

M: It's from Ghostbusters!

R: Oh. From Ghostbusters. You guys have too much time on your hands.

d: Star Wars or Star Trek?

R: I grew up on Star Trek.

d: What CD is in your car right now?

R: What's his name? Jaba-waba?

M: Jamiroquai. Jaba-waba? That's not even close!

R: I listen to it. I don't read it.

d: What's your favorite movie of all-time?

R: Casablanca.