THE 2006 TLC XMAS VIDEO...
JOE BARBERA DIES... BUT HE WOULDV'E LIKED HIS TOM & JERRY WITH CANCER!
Joe Barbera-- one half of the creative team behind such classic cartoon characters as Yogi Bear, The Flintstones, The Jetsons, and more-- passed away this week at the age of 95. And in his memory-- to ensure that every man, woman, and martian is guaranteed to enjoy his work for decades to come-- I have to make the following statement: I believe that Joe Barbera, just like yours truly, prefered his classic cartoon characters in blackface and with cancer!
See, if you have any old episodes of classic Hanna-Barbera cartoons on DVD (or VHS tapes, for all of you cavemen), you better hold onto them for dear life! Don't let anyone even borrow them unless they're peeling them from your cold, dead hands! Because as of right now, they no longer exist.
Lemme explain: Some whiney bitch in London sees an old episode of Tom & Jerry. In that episode, Tom tries to woo some female pussy by rolling a cigarette and smoking it with one hand. Whiney European bitch gets all bent out of shape, saying the cartoon glamorizes smoking, and picks up the phone to file an official complaint with the European equivalent of the F.C.C. Now, supposedly under pressure (from one person, mind you), the completely ball-less corporate monster that is Turner Broadcasting has decided to go back through their entire catalogue of Hanna-Barbera shows-- some 1,500 cartoons-- and edit out any scenes they deem inappropriate for children to view.
You got a favorite episode of The Flintstones where Fred and Barney smoke cigars at the Water Buffalo Lodge? Fuck you, it's gone. Or how about the classic cartoon gag of having a fake cigar blow up in someone's face? Yeah, those are also gone. And I may be wrong here (and I'm too lazy to look it up), but didn't Phyllis Diller smoke a cigarette out of one of those long cigarette holders during her guest spot on Scooby-Doo? Well, I guess I'll never fucking know, because the company that owns that episode has deemed it too risque for my eyes.
So let's look past the obvious here, that the censorship or editing of past material is completely unnecessary and unjust. Of course it is, and everyone knows it. If we're going to get rid of everything that offends me, we've got a shitload of churches and government buildings that need demolished. And Ann Coulter. We must destroy the succubus that is Ann Coulter. Now.
Instead, the main problem I have with this is one I'm assuming most people have completely failed to recognize, and that is the following: KIDS DON'T FUCKING WATCH HANNA-BARBERA CARTOONS! They watch shitty anime and That's So Raven and Spongebob and crappy kiddie reality shows. Not at any point in the last decade have I seen a kid sporting a Jetsons shirt, a Yogi Bear backpack, or Captain Caveman tennis shoes. You know why? Because they don't even know who those fucking characters are. You know who does? Fat dorks. Nerds that were children twenty years ago. Goons like me. So in an attempt to whitewash adult content out of their cartoons, the only people Turner is affecting by doing so is adults.
Now, granted, most of the people who own every episode of Hong Kong Phooey on DVD are probably mentally closer to children than they are to adults. But even so, they're at least 18 years old, for God's sake! Most of them are probably in their late thirties or early forties! Just because they still live with their parents doesn't mean they're kids!
But hey, maybe Turner knows its audience better than I do. Maybe kids are just lining up to get all the hot, new, Magilla Gorilla merchandise. So let's give them the benefit of the doubt and say that's so. Still, do you really think if a kid sees Snagglepuss rolling a smoke-- or even a jay, for Christ's sake-- that that kid will then think it's cool to do the same thing? Gimme a break. He's a hot-pink mountain lion with a voice that's gayer than Elton John's hairdresser! And they're worried about the cigarettes?!? What's wrong with these people?!?
It was ridiculous when every cartoon studio decided to edit out all references they found to be "overtly racist" a few years back. But this, my friends, is just disgusting. Because what's next? Let's just get rid of every episode of The Flintstones, because it supports white supremacy. Oh, you think it doesn't? You ever see a black caveman on that show? I also want every scene with Boo-Boo gone, because there was always something about Yogi's little buddy that was a bit on the fruity side. We can't have any gay bears prancing around in front of kids, can we? And let's not even get into the obvious drug use of The Great Gazoo! That motherfucker was baked in every episode! He was green and could fly. How else you gonna explain that?
So let's not all get retarded every time a half-century-old piece of pop culture springs up with something that was acceptable fifty years ago, but isn't acceptable now. Especially because I've yet to see that episode of The Jetsons where Judy Jetson becomes a lesbian and gets nailed by Rosie. And Rosie is in blackface. And Judy is sporting squinty eyes, a straw hat, thick glasses, and bucked teeth.
Oh, Rosie... me so horny.
- Wayne, TLC
TLC ON THE RADIO IN 10, 9, 8...
Yes, dear readers of TLC, it's that time of the month again!
A time when Vinnie Baggadonuts and yours truly head down to WMSE's studio to take control of the airwaves for the next three hours.
So, if you're in the Milwaukee area be sure to tune your radio dial to 91.7 FM from noon to 3PM (CST) and listen in as we make complete asses out of ourselves. And if you're not in the Milwaukee area (like, anywhere else), you can listen to the entire show in streaming audio yumminess by visiting WMSE's site.
So be sure to listen in! It's not like you're really working or anything!
Hope you're all doing well, and we'll see you on the radio!
- Wayne, TLC