SEATTLE, WA - After decades in the sporting goods apparel industry, the shoe giant Nike has decided to close its Research and Development department.
The decision was made because despite all of their efforts to trim ounces, increase support, breathability, and overall performance, the majority of their shoes were not being worn by actual athletes, but by middle-aged, overweight shopping mall-types.
Stated an anonymous Nike executive, "For years we've been reinventing the shoe so that resourceful individuals could enhance their performance in their chosen arena, whether it be tennis, cross-country, baseball, or soccer. We believed that our shoes were giving our consumers the winning edge. It broke our hearts to learn that 92% of our products were being sold to people who believed it to be an extreme challenge to climb more than three flights of stairs."
Furthermore, through extensive polls, the company has determined that their patrons foolishly believed that if they looked athletic or sporty, then it must stand to reason that they were in some way athletic or health-conscious.
"From now on," said the anonymous executive, "we are just going to make our shoes look as cool as possible, regardless of their functionality. Additionally, we are going to release a line of shoes made entirely out of vegetables so that our clients can also think they are eating a healthy diet."