Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the condiment aisle, I give you: W Ketchup.
Yes, you read correctly. W Ketchup.
You know politics have gone off the deep end when, rather than discussing actual issues, we're debating condiments. The Patriot Acts I and II? WMDs? Osama? Fuhgetaboutit. We must deal with this ketchup conundrum!
Lest you think I'm making this up, here's their site. And what an ingenious marketing slogan the product's advertising agency has created: "You don't support Democrats. Why should your ketchup?" I bet Bill Bernbach is not only turning over in his grave, he's splintering his finger bones trying to claw his way out so he can shove what's left of his femur deep in their collective asses.
Let me repeat that: "You don't support Democrats. Why should your ketchup?" Indeed. I also don't support douche-baggery, and yet here I am giving your product a free plug.
The makers of W Ketchup are positioning their product as an alternative to Heinz. Well, to quote my buddy Fleshrender: "There already is an alternative to Heinz. It's called Hunt's, fuckwads."
Of course, another alternative would be to use barbeque sauce instead of ketchup. Or switch to salsa, which is gaining in popularity every day thanks to our growing illegal immigration problem. (Speaking of which, did you know that illegal immigration has jumped over 30% since Dubya announced his illegal "It's not amnesty because I say it's not amnesty" amnesty program? I tell ya, that guy is dumber than a box full of pubic hair.)
But don't think for a moment that the brains behind W Ketchup are part of that vast right wing conspiracy Hillary's always whining about. They're quick to point out the "W" in their name stands for Washington, not Dubya.
They also have a section on their site filled with letters from fawning right wing sycophants. These are probably the same idiots who agreed with Ronnie's budget director, David Stockman, when he tried to designate ketchup a vegetable in order to cut some more rich people's taxes.
The only food-related patriotic gesture I can think of that rivals this in sheer idiocy is our elected leaders' attempt to change the names of French fries and French toast to Freedom fries and Freedom toast. Never mind that neither of these foods are actually French; far be it from Congress to let facts get in the way of a good, meaningless gesture.
At least the makers of W Ketchup are in it to make money, and not some half-assed "statement" like Congress tried. Maybe if they'd spent the same amount of time actually reading the Patriot Act as they do their cafeteria menu, I wouldn't be worried about heading off to Gitmo every time I post to my blog.
Anyway, here are my suggestions for some additional politically-themed products:
Dick Condoms: Good for Cheney and Nixon's next comeback.
Colin Blow: For those times when you're absolutely, positively full of shit.
Cunnilingus Rice: Now you won't have to stop for a snack during sex.
The Richard Perle Necklace: For the woman who has everything... except a wad of neo-con jizz around her neck.
And, just so you don't think I'm unfairly picking on the Republicans, I give you:
KerrY Gel: It's a hair gel. It's an anal lubricant. It's both!