INFRARED BIG BROTHER NOW IN ORBIT
reporting by smokin' joe blow
illustration by j-mil

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL - On August 25th, NASA launched the new Space Infrared Telescope aboard a Boeing Delta II Heavy Launch Vehicle. Using the same technology that allows firefighters to see in the dark, the observatory will provide researchers the equivalent of night vision goggles.

Potential targets of the observatory's unique infrared sight will be nearby celestial bodies, collapsing stars (known as red dwarfs), and Mr. Edward Browning of 377 Nearshore Drive, Los Angeles, California.

NASA's newest observatory also features a handful of technological breakthroughs, which both improve instrument sensitivity and finally make it possible to penetrate the aluminum foil helmet normally worn by Browning while he sleeps.