HOLLYWOOD, CA (AP) - The rumor mills around Hollywood have been working overtime recently, pumping out unflattering allegations about actress Rosie Perez.

When reached for comment, Perez said in her defense, “Whacha haullin ova whacha kiel in pfeffer muskrah munch hausen! Uh donnwanna glassuh futha rienkah?!? Asparagus!”