TRUE STORIES OF HEROES' BRAVE BATTLES

BRAVE SOUL OF DECEMBER 2001: JACK ASNER

This month we talk with a man who has been burned in love. His story is a common one: man gets on a dating show set on a cruise ship, and finds himself lost at sea and love.

darby: Tell us, Jack, what the hell were you thinking going on Shipmates?

Jack: I thought it would be fun.

d: Had you seen the show before?

J: Of course.

d: Then I have to ask again: what the hell were you thinking? Those shows never end in love!

J: Well, it started out great. We were on a cruse ship to Canada--

d: --Canada?

J: Yeah.

d: Well, there’s the first sign you were getting fucked! I thought the point of a cruise was to go somewhere you couldn’t get to by car?

J: Can I continue?

d: Of course, continue with your ever-so-interesting Love Boat cruise to Canada.

J: The girl they set me up with was really nice. On the first day, she told me about the time she fucked the whole football team. She was a very interesting person. Not to mention the chances of me getting laid just improved 1000%.

Ah, the young. So dumb and full of cum. Jack had no idea yet that this chick was one big nightmare waiting to be unleashed.

J: We were hitting it off pretty well. On day two, we decided to play a sex game.

d: What, like “Daddy’s Got Your Nose”?

J: No. It was like that scene in 9½ Weeks. We licked and ate things off each other.

d: Well, that couldn’t have been healthy.

J: It was supposed to be erotic. I was licking whipped cream off her leg when,..

d: What?

J: I got the whole thing.

d: You lost me. What whole thing?

J: Her leg. She had a prosthetic leg.

d: Good Lord!

J: I freaked out and ran out of the cabin screaming, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

d: Well, sorry it didn’t work out for you, Jack.

J: What do you mean?

d: Well, you didn’t get laid.

J: No, I still got laid.

d: You did it with “hop-along”?

J: No! I did it with some other chick on the ship. That’s how the show works.

d: Ah, you really have seen the show before!

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