HELL - In a surprise move that stunned theologians and politicians alike, Satan has sold his soul to United States President George W. Bush in an attempt to gain his favor.

"I have believed since Creation that there was no force of evil greater than myself," commented The Prince of Darkness. "But the recent election finally made everything clear: there is only one true Father of Lies and Sower of Discord, and thy name is Dubya. Therefore, I have pledged my immortal soul to him in order to be rewarded when the Rapture comes... possibly be given dominion over the Earth, a throne of screaming flesh.... You know, whatever."

Both Satan and President Bush have begun preparations for the Battle of Armageddon which will signal the End Times. However, it is expected that Beelzebub will need to enact a draft in order to muster the necessary army.