WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.

This month frank wrote to the muffin men at KRUSTEAZ!

Dear Muffin Men,

I just wanted to take this opportunity to convey my absolute adoration for your wonderful, flaky muffins. Never in my life have I tasted such a rich, buttery flavor in a product that claims to be fat-free. Although I do not claim to buy your delectable confections every week, I do confess to eating them in large quantities on a monthly basis. I am a large woman whose weight falls somewhere in the neighborhood of 500+ pounds. Sometimes, after a rigorous day of accounting, I come home, bake up nine boxes of muffins and gorge myself until I pass out. One time I actually ruptured my colon while unconscious (I ate all 99 servings on that one!). I digress. The reason I am writing is because your product has brought great misfortune upon me. You see, I was having difficulty getting my co-workers to try your muffins. One day, after eating a king-sized bucket of hot wings, I found myself unable to eat the muffin I brought along for dessert. I went to a co-worker and told him, “You must eat my Krusteaz muffin–- it’s the tastiest muffin you will ever eat!” Much to my surprise, he vomited on my large, distended gut, then ran away screaming. I repeated my statement to several other gentlemen I work with and they all responded in a similar manner. I wrung my hands in the air and cried, “Will no man ever eat my Krusteaz muffin?” A creepy man from accounts payable finally agreed to my offer, but insisted that he at least take me out to dinner first. I was puzzled. What could have elicited such an unusual response? That’s when I realized I had been mispronouncing the name of your fine company. I was saying “Krusty-ass” instead of “Krust-ease,” thus making it sound as if I were lewdly soliciting oral sex from my fellow associates. Now, when I go into work, people call me vile names like “Muffin Whore” or “Snack Slut.” I cry myself to sleep every night. Here’s where you can help. I was hoping that perhaps you could send me a case of muffins to “eaz” my pain and suffering. I figure it’s the least you could do after using such an easily mispronounced muffin moniker.

Sincerely,

francine putzerelli

PS: Please send Wild Blueberry flavor!

DO YOU KNOW A PERSON OR COMPANY THAT YOU THINK FRANK SHOULD WRITE TO? IF SO, EMAIL HIM AT FRANK@TLCHICKEN.COM