''LET MY CHIHUAHUAS GO!''
reporting by insane wayne chinsang

FAIRFAX, VA - Charlton Heston, Oscar-winning actor, six-time president of the Screen Actors Guild, and president of the National Rifle Association, announced August 7th that he has been diagnosed with a degenerative brain disease.

Heston, 78, released a video statement to the public.

“I have been faced with a large hurdle to overcome,” said Heston. “But I refuse to let this affliction keep me from holding my position as president of the Nasty Rutabaga Army. Vive la France!”